SPAM tastes like crap

Inspiration: the a-hole who posted SPAM in my comments section.
Category: rant

Ten years ago I don't think anyone could have imagined that anything could come along and top telemarketing as the most annoying and intrusive form of advertisement. But with the internet came a competitor which challenged and ultimately dethroned telemarketing. This humble upstart was spam. Not the ham like processed meat product that many Americans have known and loved for years, but its evil, in-bred, pervasive, half-retarded, a-hole of a cousin: email spam. We battled this electronic nemesis for years, losing hours of our lives filtering the 1,000 spam emails from our inbox in order to read the three legitimate emails we had received. Some of the less intelligent of us actually fell for the penis-enlarging, million dollars waiting in Nigeria, naked teenagers waiting to screw, scam emails that came in daily.

But then our ISP stepped forth with a counter strike and introduced spam blocking and we all cheered and some of us cried a little. Now we simply had to add a sender to our spam list and we would nary be bothered by them again. Sure they tried to work around the spam blockers by constantly changing their addresses, but regardless, removing email spam is now a quick and relatively painless process. Of course we may never be able to rid our inboxes of the spam that our own friends and family send to us; bad jokes, religious diatribes, and chain letters. But as far as email is concerned the battle over our inboxes is won.

Unthwarted the spammers pressed on and dove into uncharted advertising territory. They hit us where we least expected them. In our humble chat rooms, message boards, and blogs. It won't be long before they start spamming the chat channels in our favorite online games, dating services, etc. We must not allow these outrages to stand, we must press on to rid our communication channels of mind-numbing, blood pressure rising, carpal tunnel syndrome causing (from all the mouse clicking to delete the spam) SPAM. We must press for legislation to make this illegal. At the very least we must exact financial penalties from the spammers and I'm not totally against the death penalty, because unlike many people on death row a spammer can never be redeemed. His soul is black like the bottom of Lucifer's hoofs. If you know a spammer please slap him, but wear gloves because you don't want his taint infecting you.